First, the disclaimer. I have a sick, sarcastic sense of humor. When I read things, I think about things most people look over. This does not mean I do not have any feelings. I do actually. Often, I am that goof who is crying because everyone on television is crying. I do not condone abuse. No, not ever. I do not care how pissed off you are at someone or something, get yourself together before you put your hands on someone, calm the hell down and have several seats. With that being said, on to today’s foolishness….
While perusing The Grio, I ran across an utterly ridiculous story. Picture it: 2013, a middle school kid gets suspended from school and is waiting for his mother to come get him in the principal’s office. There is another kid in the same office, sick, waiting for his mother to pick him up as well. The mother of the suspended kid walked in the office, slapped the wrong kid, apologized, and proceeded to knock the hell out of her son. ***record scratch***
Oh hell no! Are you kidding me? She must have been pissed off to the highest level of pisstation and seeing red, slapping the first kid she sees. You know she was tired of getting calls at her job about her bad ass son?! Here is my rendition of what really happened:
Tamika “Slaps all the time” Jenkins: ”What? He is being suspended again? When I get up there….oooooohhhh…. how does he think this shit is making me look at my job? I can’t keep leaving the Lucky’s Check Cashing and Rib Tibs e’eryday!!”
She hopped in the Ford Tempo and sped them bald tires all the way to that school. She couldn’t even pop her Doublemint gum, she was so mad!
And what about the poor sick kid? He is just sitting there with bubble guts and a headache just counting the minutes before he is at home in his superman sheets.
Emmanuel “Caught the hell up” Washington: Can my mama hurry the hell up! Man, I can’t wait to….*smack* OWWWWWWW! What the hell? Who is this crazy heffa who just smacked the shit out of me? Did I just pee a little? Not only do I have to get on somebody’s toilet, my face is stinging because I’ve just been slapped by some old lady with a crooked wig who smells like Doublemint, cocoa butter, and Sulfur 8. WHERE MY MAMA AT!!!!!!”
Tamika: ”Oh crap! Who is this kid? This ain’t Jerome. Awww shit! My bad lil’ man, you straight? You straight? Stop fucking crying and man up! Ain’t nobody got time for this! Jerome? Jerome? Oh, there you are! I know you didn’t…..*smacks* *beat downs* *hollering*”
Jerome “constantly fucking up” Ellis: ”Mama is mad as hell! Ooh, she just slapped Washington! Good, maybe I could slide down this bench and ease the fuck up out this piece. Damn, she figured it out. Here she come.. Mama no!!!”
I was giggling my ass off when I read this. First, the sick boy was caught the hell up! How much bad luck can you have in one day? You are already feeling bad and you can’t leave quickly because you have to wait on your parents to pick you up. All you want to do is go home and you get smacked for no apparent reason? Damn son! Wonder what his mama said when she got there and found out some random woman slapped the shit out of her child? Now, that is a part of the story I would have loved to hear.
And slapmaster….really? All jokes aside, I hope you felt like shit. You just can’t go around slapping random children all willy nilly? Who does that? What if someone did that to your son? What would you have done?
Needless to say, Lady Slap-A-Lot was arrested on assault charges. Good.